My wrestle before God

Prayer: The hard work and sacred struggle

Gethsemane by Adam Abram

“And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.”

Enos 1:4

We were late for the meeting I was somehow charge of. Even worse, I didn’t have the slightest idea what I should say to the little group of missionaries I had just been asked to lead. I think it may have been the first time we were going to meet together, and I wanted to make a good impression.

In our little one-room apartment there was a tiny bathroom with an accordion-type door (so weird, now that I think about it.) That was the only available private space to offer an anxious prayer before we rushed to our meeting. I quickly knelt and apologized for my lack of preparation and expressed—again—my sorrow over being so far beneath what was expected of me. I may have wanted to cry, but the shame of leaving the bathroom with tears in my eyes kept me from losing it.

And then, something or Someone filled that small space with a peace I’d never felt before. I’d heard of people feeling as if loving arms were wrapped around them, but I had never experienced such a thing. The flood of words and emotions I’d had just moments before were hushed away and I knew, in spite of my fears, that everything would be okay. I remember sitting in the passenger seat as we drove to our meeting, my mind swirling. What had just happened to me? Was it real? Was that God speaking to me?

Here’s where I want to say that my prayers have only improved since that moment almost 37 years ago. But I can’t say that.  Instead, I must confess that I continue to have highs and lows and more than a few mind-wandering, falling-asleep-mid-prayer moments.

Can I say how much I love the fact that we have so many moments in the Savior’s life where He is praying to His Father? I’ve thought a lot about that. Surely there were moments where prayer seemed so inadequate for both Father and Son, who clearly and deeply loved and missed each other. Is it reading too much into the scriptures to say that Jesus spent a lot of His life feeling homesick? Likewise it seems that the Father longed to have His Only Begotten Son back home, His mission completed. And yet, repeatedly, we read of the Savior “out in the wilderness” or “up in the mountains” to be alone with His Father. This teaches me that if prayer was the Savior’s way of drawing near to heaven, it should be my way too.

Gethsemane by Michael Malm

I shy away from sharing steps or lists of ways to make prayer more meaningful since this is such a personal, even intimate experience for each person. However, there are some things that, when I remember to do them, have been helpful for me in my own “hungering of the soul.”

Ask in the Spirit

28 And it shall come to pass that he that asketh in Spirit shall receive in Spirit;

30 He that asketh in the Spirit asketh according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as he asketh.

31 And again, I say unto you, all things must be done in the name of Christ, whatsoever you do in the Spirit;

32 And ye must give thanks unto God in the Spirit for whatsoever blessing ye are blessed with.

Doctrine & Covenants 46

I don’t remember exactly when I first read these verses of scripture, but the promise that those who  “ask in the Spirit ask according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as [they] ask” stirs my heart every time I read it. How often am I praying for things that are impossible for Him to give because they aren’t aligned with His plan for me? I’d probably be very unhappy to see the data on that.

This is also taught in the Bible Dictionary: “We pray in Christ’s name when our mind is the mind of Christ, and our wishes the wishes of Christ—when His words abide in us (John 15:7). We then ask for things it is possible for God to grant. Many prayers remain unanswered because they are not in Christ’s name at all; they in no way represent His mind but spring out of the selfishness of man’s heart.”

The question, of course, is how to get and stay in this spiritual condition of asking in the Spirit.

Names & Faces

Here’s one I am super-not-consistent about. And it’s also something that on those rare occasions when I remember to include it in my prayers, always works. It is praying to know who needs my help and then (always the hard part) quieting myself sufficiently enough to hear or “see” His answer. By “see” I mean seeing the faces or hearing the names of those needing help.

There are many people I know who seem to be so much better at this than me (including several who are probably reading these words. You know who you are.) They are my inspiration. I have watched them show up at the exactly the right moment for me, my family, and many others. I’m not saying they follow this approach of asking for names and faces, but whatever they are doing, I want to be more like them. Is there a more tender spiritual experience than being an answer to someone’s prayer? Hard to think of one. An all-time favorite examples of this is Joseph Millet, a little-known early member of the Church of Jesus Christ.

I’ll be closer to becoming the disciple of the Savior I so deeply want to be when it can be said that “the Lord knew there was such a man as [Scott]” to send those in need of help to.

Ask for nothing

We’ve all heard this one, but again, it’s not easy to implement, especially when we feel like our needs are sometimes overwhelming. Offering prayers of gratitude with no requests for blessings is not something I think the Lord expects from every prayer we offer. But I have found that there is different spirit from simple expressions of thankfulness.

When I remember to “ask in the Spirit” for what I should be grateful for, a flood of reminders come, teaching me how intimately involved He is in the details of my life. Asking for nothing is an almost guaranteed way to have a spiritual experience—an intimate moment when He leans forward and whispers “You have no idea how much I’ve done and am doing for you, my child. But since you asked…”

Stillness

Sometimes Church leaders share profoundly personal experiences in a way that just hints at what happened. Here is one of those moments. President Henry B. Eyring has shared the following experience several times during his service as a leader in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This may be the most detailed of his accounts:

Once, for instance, I prayed through the night to know what I was to choose to do in the morning. I knew that no other choice could have had a greater effect on the lives of others and on my own. I knew what choice looked most comfortable to me. I knew what outcome I wanted. But I could not see the future. I could not see which choice would lead to which outcome. So the risk of being wrong seemed too great to me.

I prayed, but for hours there seemed to be no answer. Just before dawn, a feeling came over me. More than at any time since I had been a child, I felt like one. My heart and my mind seemed to grow very quiet. There was a peace in that inner stillness.

Somewhat to my surprise, I found myself praying, “Heavenly Father, it doesn’t matter what I want. I don’t care anymore what I want. I only want that Thy will be done. That is all that I want. Please tell me what to do.”

In that moment I felt as quiet inside as I had ever felt. And the message came, and I was sure who it was from. It was clear what I was to do. I received no promise of the outcome. There was only the assurance that I was a child who had been told what path led to whatever He wanted for me.

I learned from that experience and countless repetitions that the description of the Holy Ghost as a still, small voice is real. It is poetic, but it is not poetry. Only when my heart has been still and quiet, in submission like a little child, has the Spirit been clearly audible to my heart and mind.

I don’t believe I can share a single thought here that would add what is being taught by this humble servant of God. Let me just say that this is the hardest part of prayer for me. It is also the most important one. When I can get to a place of quiet and hold onto it long enough, there are no words left. My need to ask is replaced by a hard-to-describe feeling of alertness, a sense that I am standing on holy ground and need to proceed with a submissiveness I seldom achieve.

When I think about the verses in the scriptures that describe the Savior praying, this is how I imagine Him. Intimately aligned. Fully present. Asking for nothing. Nothing hidden, no agenda, no holding back. At One.

Writing about prayer this week has been helpful. And praying about what to say about prayer has brought back at least some of the feelings I had in that tiny bathroom in Arizona so many years ago. How to return to and hold onto that feeling is a work without end. Prayer is the soul work I need now, again, always.

Next week on The Bright & Morning Star…

Gonna be big.

So excited. So scared.

A little creative fledgling I’ve been tending to for a long, long time is at last ready to leave the nest. Can’t wait to share it with you. More than a little bit cotton-mouthed-frightened to send it out. 🥺

So, watch your inbox, friends. If you must sleep while waiting, I suppose that’s allowed. 😛